I dont see things differently, yaw ym ti ees tsuj I
 I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
 Never buy a car you can't push.
 You look really good. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
"Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match to kick boxing
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
A cult is a religion with no political power.
A day without sunshine is like.... you know.... night.
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
A dream is like a river ever changing as it flows, and a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
A finished person is a boring person.
A friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked!
A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
A friend told me that each morning when we get up we have to decide whether we are going to save or savor the world. I don't think that is the decision. It's not an either-or, save or savor. We have to do both, save and savor the world.
A friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you saying, "We really f***ed up."
A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
A guy walks into a bar... OUCH!
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A joke's a very serious thing.
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.
A man must learn to understand the motives of human beings, their illusions, and their sufferings.
A man should not leave this earth with unfinished business. He should live each day as if it was a pre-flight check. He should ask each morning, am I prepared to lift-off?
A man's silence is wonderful to listen to.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A moment's insight is sometimes worth a lifetime's experience.
A paper should be like a mini-skirt; long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep things intresting.
A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.
A person should only run if they are being chased.
A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.
A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
A person's a person, no matter how small.
A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE DOOR BELL DOESN'T WORK)
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
A strong person and a waterfall always channel their own path.
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top .
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Act as if it were impossible to fail.
Act ur age not ur shoesize.
Action is eloquence.
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
Age does not protect us from love, But love to some extent protects us from age.
Age is not important unless you're a cheese.
Age is…wisdom, if one has lived one's life properly.
Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength.
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Alcohol was invented so ugly people could get laid too.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
All the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.
All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be.
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Always do what you are afraid to do.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
America's greatest strength, and its greatest weakness, is our belief in second chances, our belief that we can always start over, that things can be made better.
Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An optimist is a person who starts working on a crossword puzzle with an ink pen.
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
And God said love me, love them, and love it, and don't forget to love yourself.
And when the night is cloudy, there is a still light that shines on me. Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.
Are you really leaving or are you only trying to brighten my day?
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
Arrogance is a kingdom without a crown.
As me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
As we grow old… the beauty steals inward.
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.
Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
Battered fish has chips on it's shoulder.
Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.
Be a voice, not an echo.
Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as by the latter.
Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
Before making fun of someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes!
Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another.
Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process.
Behind every great woman is a whiny bastard.
Being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
Best friends are siblings God forgot to give us.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
Bloom where you are planted.
Boys are like candy. They look so good and they're really sweet at first, but then they turn evil and head straight for your hips.
Bumper sticker: " Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
By the time a bartender knows what drink a man will have before he orders, there is little else about him worth knowing.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Calendars are for careful people, not passionate ones.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there.
Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth…Tame the dragon and the gift is yours.
Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
Change is inevidible except from vending machines.
Character develops itself in the streams of life.
Character is forged in the smallest of struggles. Then, when the big challenges come, we’re ready.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.
Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.
Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children.
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.
Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they aren't merely the people who got there first.
Convinced myself, I seek not to convince.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?
Count not him among your friends who will retail your privacies to the world.
Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Cynicism is not realistic and tough. It's unrealistic and kind of cowardly because it means you don't have to try.
D.A.R.E. = Drugs Are Really Expensive.
Dare to be yourself.
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
Death is only going to happen to you once; I don't want to miss it.
Defer not till tomorrow to be wise, tomorrow's sun to thee may never rise.
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a  matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.
Diligence is the mother of good luck.
Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Do not measure your loss by itself; if you do, it will seem intolerable; but if you will take all human affairs into account you will find that some comfort is to be derived from them.
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Do not speak of repulsive matters at table.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Don't be a fool and die for your country. Let the other sonofabitch die for his.
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. A stranger loses half his charm the day he is no longer a stranger.
Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most.
Don't frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Don't frown, your ugly enough already.
Don't give up on love because there is always someone who loves you, even if it's not the person you were hoping for.
Don't make me unleash the illegal space chickens in purple bunny suits!
Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive.
Don't spit into the wind, trust me on this one.
Don't take any wooden nickels - Don't get cheated.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them.
Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't wait for tomorrow because you'll never get today back!
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
Don't wish upon a star, reach for one.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.
Drama's made for movies, not reality.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, it has a dark side, and it holds the world together.
EXERCISE? I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Each moment in time we have it all, even when we think we don't.
Each one has to find their peace from within. And for peace to be real it must be unaffected by outside circumstances.
Eagles may soar, but wheasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
Easy there Mr. Testosterone, you can be replaced by a zucchini.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Eat before shopping. If you go to the store hungry, you are likely to make unnecessary purchases.
Economic advance is not the same thing as human progress.
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Equations are the devil's sentences.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Even if the voices in my head arent' real, they have some pretty good ideas!"
Even my shrink says it's all your f***ing fault!
Even with the best of maps and instruments, we can never fully chart our journeys.
Even with the best of maps and instruments, we can never fully chart our journeys.
Ever tried? Ever failed? No Matter, try again, fail again, Fail better.
Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day.
Every minute of sadness is 60 seconds of happiness that you'll never get back.
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
Everybody has difficult years, but a lot of times the difficult years end up being the greatest years of your whole entire life, if you survive them.
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everyone has a wild side, just my friends and I prefer to make ours public!
Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.
Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story.
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content.
Everything is okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler.
Everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Evil draws men together.
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson later.
Experience suggests it doesn't matter so much how you got here, as what you do after you arrive.
Facts are the enemy of truth.
Failure is the key to having great sucess in life.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
Falling in love is what keeps us from falling apart.
Fate has a way of changing things just when you don't want it to.
Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
First mend yourself, and then mend others.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
Footprints leave marks in the sand -- so tread lightly as everywhere you go we leave an impression.
For a good time... call someone else.
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
For the sense of smell, almost more than any other, has the power to recall memories and it is a pity that you use it so little.
For visions come not to polluted eyes.
Forgive me if I bark too loud or if I bark at all.
Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it
Forgiveness is the last resort, after victory seems impossible, or trivial.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. So thank you for being the pee in my pants.
Friendship is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent.
Getting there isn't half the fun - it's all the fun.
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.. the courage to change the things I can.. and wisdom to know the difference.
God help those who do not help themselves.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
Good food ends with good talk.
Good friends are like good bras-their supportive, hard to find and close to your heart.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good looks catches the eyes, but a good personality catches the heart.
Good things come to those who can afford them.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.
Guilt is a rope that wears thin.
Guilt is anger directed at ourselves--at what we did or did not do.
Guys are like slinkies, It's always fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
Guys are like stars. There are millions of them but only one can truely make your dreams come true.
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half.
Happiness gives us the energy which is the basis of health.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Have courae for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.
Having a dream is what keeps you alive. Overcoming the challenges make life worth living.
Having a holiday weekend without a family member felt like putting on a sweater that had an extra arm.
He felt about books as doctors feel about medicines, or managers about plays - cynical, but hopeful.
He that climbs the tall tree has won right to the fruit.
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
He who is drowned is not troubled by the rain.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He, who loses money, loses much; he, who loses a friend, loses much more; he, who loses faith, loses all.
Health food makes me sick.
Health is not valued till sickness comes.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words.
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.
Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
Hope is necessary in every condition.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
How we remember, what we remember and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time. Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time. There is a season of sadness. A season of anger. A season of tranquility. A season of hope.
Humanity in general has an infinite number of points of view, whereas Mister God has an infinite number of viewing points.
Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.
Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
Humans live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
I SEE THE LIGHT!! No, wait, i think the weed just kicked in.
I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am a deeply superficial person.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.
I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves.
I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am open to receive with every breath I breathe.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I ate two bags of Skittles and I didn't see no damn rainbow!
I believe above the storm, the smallest prayer will still be heard. I believe that someone in that great somewhere hears every word.
I believe in recovery, and I believe that as a role model I have the responsibility to let young people know that you can make a mistake and come back from it.
I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can talk correctly now because my smart friend taught me how to spoke.
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.
I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker.
I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I couldnt repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
I didn't escape, they gave me a day pass.
I do not know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
I don't have hot flushes, I have short, private vacations in the tropics.
I don't have rude manners, you just piss me off!
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
I don't think necessity is the mother of invention - invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness. To save oneself trouble.
I don't think of the past. The only thing that matters is the everlasting present.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I feel very strongly that change is good because it stirs up the system.
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
I found my Mr right, but the only problem was he'd found his!
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I hate when people point to their wrist when asking for the time is! I know where my watch is, where the hell is yours? \Do I point to my crotch when asking for the toilet?
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have come to believe that giving and receiving are really the same. Giving and receiving - not giving and taking.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I have failed many times, and that's why I am a success.
I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.
I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to.
I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
I love you is 8 letters, but then again so is bullshit.
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
I might be fat, but I can diet. As for you - you're ugly and theres nothin that you can do about that.
I never dared to be radical when young for fear it would make me conservative when old.
I never guess. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful.
I ony have tree rulez: 1. I kan't do ANY math. 2. I kan't spel.
I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I promise when we're old, we're gonna be best friends chasing each other around in our motor scooters all day long.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
I saw this girl that had a shirt on that said "Guess?", So I said "implants?", And she slapped me.
I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.
I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
I take it that what all men are really after is some form or perhaps only some formula of peace.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom.
I think the environment should be put in the category of our national security. Defense of our resources is just as important as defense abroad. Otherwise what is there to defend?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I tried to sniff coke once, the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I use to be ignorant, now I don't care.
I used to be a skitzofranic, but we're okay now.
I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don't want to do them.
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details.
I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER... Then it hit me.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.
I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.
I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.
I will never understand life and all the things that happen in it.
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
I would rather start a family than finish one.
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm more sane than you, the voices told me so.
I'm multi-tasking, I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
I'm not 40 something, I'm $39.45 Plus shipping and handling.
I'm not afraid to fall; it means I climbed too high. Either way it shows at least I tried.
I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours!
I'm not scared of death, what's it gonna do, kill me?
I'm of the mind that even people who have limitations, if they have a curiosity, they will find a way to explore it.
I'm off with the fairies, but that's OK, the fairies like me.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
I'm out of my mind, please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!!!
I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane.
I'm the only person I know that's lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year.... It's very character-building.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't shove my head that far up my arse.
I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.'
I've learned that all a person has in life is family and friends. If you lose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world.
I've learned that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned that you can't have everything and do everything at the same time.
Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
If I could reach up and take a star for everytime you made me smile the entire night sky would be in my hands.
If I had my way, we'd sleep every night wrapped around each other Like hibernating rattlesnakes.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's funny.
If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair.
If a man doesn't know where he's going, it doesn't matter what path he takes.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around.
If an idea's worth having once, it's worth having twice.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.
If beauty never fades then where the hell does it go?
If duct tape, tylennol, glue, or a band-aid can't fix it, you have one serious problem.
If he breaks your heart, break his arm, if he tears a hole in your dreams, tear a hole in his tires.
If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let go.
If i could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If im your future well than your screwed.
If it's illegal to drink & drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
If life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If man does find the solution for world peace it will be the most revolutionary reversal of his record we have ever known.
If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.
If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive.
If my radio breaks will you sing to me?
If one speaks or acts with a cruel mind, misery follows, as the cart follows the horse... If one speaks or acts with a pure mind, happiness follows, as a shadow follows its source.
If only men were as satisfying as chocolate.
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, the other person still owns that gift. The same is true of insults and verbal attacks.
If the world would be treated equal, everyone would be dead.
If there was no poo, then how could we describe country music?
If they say tv is so bad for you then why do they have one in every hospital room?
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If we are lucky, we can give in and rest without feeling guilty. We can stop doing and concentrate on being.
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
If we can connect in some tiny way with a human that doesn't agree with us, then maybe we won't blow up the planet.
If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If women are expected to do the same work as men, we must teach them the same things.
If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.
If writers stopped writing about what happened to them, then there would be a lot of empty pages.
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you are not criticised, you may not be doing much.
If you bow at all, bow low.
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
If you can't be funny, be interesting.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't run with the big dogs stay on the porch.
If you don't know what to do, call the media and at least give the appearance of doing something.
If you don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake.
If you don't risk anything you risk even more.
If you have the opportunity to play this game of life you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don`t appreciate the moment until it's passed.
If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then all by means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.
If you neglect to recharge a battery, it dies. And if you run full speed ahead without stopping for water, you lose momentum to finish the race.
If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella.
If you put a crouton on your sundae instead of a cherry, it counts as a salad.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
If you think life is bad, imagine what its like for an egg, you share your pad with 11 other guys, it takes 4 minutes to get hard, 2 minutes to get soft, you only get laid once and the only chick that sat on your face was your mum. Life isn't that bad.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.
If you want a rainbow first you got to put up with the rain.
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can 't buy.
If you want to learn to swim jump into the water. On dry land no frame of mind is ever going to help you.
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things.
If you wish in this world to advance, your merits you're bound to enhance; You must stir it and stump it, and blow your own trumpet, or trust me, you haven't a chance.
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village; If you would know, and not be known, live in a city.
If you're good, you're good, but if you are better, then you're me!
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
In Kyudo philosophy, you don't aim--you become one with the target. Then, in fact, there's nothing to aim at. I find it works well with women, too. Give it a try.
In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.
In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.
In every outhrust headland, in every curving beach, in every grain of sand there is a story of the earth.
In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary.
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
In wanting me to do what you want me to do, don't tell me what to do for I will never want to do whatever you are wanting me to do! Now what did you want me to do again?
In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Integrity combined with faithfulness is a powerful force and worthy of great respect.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Intimacy is what makes a marriage, not a ceremony, not a piece of paper from the state.
Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors.
Isn`t if funny how day-by-day nothing changes, but then when you look back, everything is different.
It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don't get on the wrong track or try to do too much.
It had only been my repeated experience that when you said to life calmly and firmly... 'I trust you; do what you must,' life had an uncanny way of responding to your need.
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.
It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It is never too late to give up our prejudices.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It is not how old you are, but how you are old.
It is simplicity that makes the uneducated more effective than the educated when addressing popular audiences.
It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.
It is through art, and through art only, that we can realise our perfection?
It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.
It is well to give when asked but it is better to give unasked, through understanding.
It isn’t always enough to be forgiven  by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
It's better to be pissed off rather than be pissed on.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot tthan to open your mouth and prove it.
It's completely impossible to find a guy who won't ever hurt you, so go for the guy who will make the pain worthwhile.
It's never too late to be who you might have been.
It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that nobody cares about you, it's just that everybody likes everything else more than they like you.
It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.
It's okay to talk to your self, until you get answers.
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit.
It's takin' whatever comes your way, the good AND the bad, that give life flavor. It's all the stuff rolled together that makes life worth livin'.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone else’s story.
I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.
Joy is not in things; it is in us.
Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.
Junk is stuff we throw away.
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
Just like ipods, hearts are being played all over the world.
Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night I was thinking of you and looking at the stars, and then I wondered, "Where the heck is my ceiling?!"
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Learn as much by writing as by reading.
Learn from the mistakes of others, you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes, use birth control.
Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness.
Let no man imagine that he has no influence. Whoever he may be, and wherever he may be placed, the man who thinks becomes a light and a power.
Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.
Let thy speech be short, comprehending much in a few words.
Lets get the hell outta here, I think i hear one of those silent alarms.
Lets practice our left and right: you're right! I left!
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
Life is a dream, realise it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you is determinism; the way you play it is free will.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop.
Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
Life is something that happens when you can't sleep.
Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.
Life isn't about waiting for the rain to stop, it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain.
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take but by how many moments that take your breath away.
Life's and adventure, not a worry.
Light travels faster than sound, thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Like an ability or a muscle, hearing your inner wisdom is strengthened by doing it.
Live up to your potential instead of imitating someone else's.
Live well. It is the greatest revenge.
Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends.
Look at what your idea of success would be. The more that you take in external motivators, the more it reduces your ultimate satisfaction because it doesn't come from inside.
Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
Love is immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. It's eternal goal is life.
Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.
Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love is thinking about one person as you fall asleep, dreaming of that person though out the night, and when you wake in the morning you wish that your dreams were true.
Love isn't just a feeling, its a choice.
Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirit wild.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
Love that's patient, so tender and kind, is like pure gold in the fire refined.
Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.
Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Make a silent sound unto the universe, then enjoy the echo.
Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.
Make your bargain before beginning to plow.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.
Man I'm bored, I know how I can make it interesting, everybody pitch in 5 bucks. See wasn’t that interesting?
Man is bon to live, not to prepare for life,
Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.
Man is free the moment he wishes to be.
Man is the only animal whose desires increase as they are fed; the only animal that is never satisfied.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who fish in other man’s will often catch crabs.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who scratch arse should not bite fingernails.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. -
Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful!
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.
Maybe because it's entirely an artist's eye, patience and skill that makes an image and not his tools.
Measure not the work until the day's out and the labor done.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
Memory feeds imagination.
Memory is a giggling sprite and will not be tamed. She takes flight the moment the present becomes the past.
Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.
Men stumble over pebbles, never over mountains.
Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
Mistrust the man who finds everything good, the man who finds everything evil and still more the man who is indifferent to everything.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.
Much talking is the cause of danger. Silence is the means of avoiding misfortune. The talkative parrot is shut up in a cage. Other birds, without speech, fly freely about.
Mum reckoned that getting lost and finding your way were just different sides of the same coin. You couldn't have one without the other.
Music is like candy, throw away the (w)rappers.
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flow from heaven to the soul.
Mustard's no good without roast beef.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My best friends are like a fairytale. They've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.
My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My imaginary friends thinks you have some serious issues.
My invisible friend thinks you're CRAZY!
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.
My mum said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.
Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
Never let success get to your head and never let failure get to your heart.
Never let the fear of failure be an excuse for not trying. Society tells us that to fail is the most terrible thing in the world, but I know it isn't. Failure is part of what makes us human.
Never miss the perfect opportunity to shut up.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never take someone for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.
Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for certainty, and if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, 'Why should I tell it?'
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trouble another for what you can do for yourself.
Never trust a duck in a clown suit!
Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
No matter how old you are, there's always something good to look forward to.
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one forgives with more grace and love than a child.
No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
No one is ready for a thing until he believes he can acquire it.
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.
Nobody has things just as he would like them. The thing to do is to make a success with what material I have. It is a sheer waste of time and soulpower to imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different.
Nobodys perfect, I am a nobody, so therefore I'm perfect.
None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Nothing is so good for an ignorant man as silence; and if he was sensible of this he would not be ignorant.
Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.
Nothing says, 'I have no idea what to get you,' quite like giant beige bath towels.
Nothing should be prized more highly than the value of each day.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.
Of course there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off.
Oh, look! Just 2 852 677 days until i start caring what you think!
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
On a long enough timeline. The survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
On the other hand... you have 5 fingers.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.
One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
One never knows what each day is going to bring. The important thing is to be open and ready for it.
One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.
One of the best rules in conversation is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably wish had been left unsaid.
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.
One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.
Only as you do know yourself can your brain serve you as a sharp and efficient tool. Know your own failings, passions, and prejudices so you can separate them from what you see.
Only some people get what they want. Those are the people who show up to get it.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
Opinions are immunity to being told you're wrong.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
Our friendship is really important to me, you cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump out of a window, I look down and laugh some more.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.
Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Our persepctive only changes when we change our position.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
Patience is the key to paradise.
Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery.
Peace is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it.
Peace is not a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.
Peace is not a relationship of nations. It is a condition of mind brought about by a serenity of soul. Lasting peace can only come to peaceful people.
Peace like a river -- how refreshing that stream -- that calms us, like a wondering dream.
Peace on earth starts with you and me.
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
People who reach the top of the tree are only those who haven't got the qualifications to detain them at the bottom.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Perfection is a road, not a destination. Every time I live, I get an education.
Pet Store: 'Buy one, get one flea.'
Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?
Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them.
Polls show that 9 out of 6 schizophrenics agree.
Prayer is not asking. It is longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.
Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary.
Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Procrastinators unite! MEETING tomorrow postponed.
Promises that you make to yourself are often like the Japanese plum tree - they bear no fruit.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY.
Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare.
Reading well is one of the great pleasures that solitude can afford you.
Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.
Reality is something you rise above.
Reality leaves alot to the imagination.
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.
Remember there's no such thing as a small  act of kindness. Every act creates  a ripple with no logical end.
Remember there's no such thing as a small.
Remember: It's mandatory to grow old, but optional to grow up.
Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.
Reveal not every secret you have to a friend, for how can you tell but that friend may hereafter become an enemy. And bring not all mischief you are able to upon an enemy, for he may one day become your friend.
Revolution is not a onetime event.
Ritual is the way you carry the presence of the sacred. Ritual is the spark that must not go out.
Save the whales, collect the whole set!
Seize the day, while trusting little on what tomorrow might bring.
Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward.
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
She is a friend of my mind... The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.
Shed no tears until seeing the coffin.
Shock me, say something intelligent
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
Simplicity is the key to brilliance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable.
Sitting at the table doesn't make you a diner, unless you eat some of what's on that plate. Being here in America doesn't make you an American. Being born here in America doesn't make you an American.
Smile real big. Hold it. Freeze. Can you look like your old self for one second? Please?
Smile, it's contagious.
Smile, your face needs the excerise.
So many cats, so few recipes.
So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.
Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some dream of fortunes others dream of cookies.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now!
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
Sometimes music is the only thing that gets your mind off everything else.
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Sometimes people put up the walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.
Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
Sometimes you need a second chance because time wasn't ready for the first one.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
Stand up for what you believe in - even if you're standing alone.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
Strangers are just 'friends' waiting to happen. Yeah, either that or 'rape in a dark alley' waiting to happen.
Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in.
Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
Successful people are the ones who think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at.
Sunsets are so beauitiful that they almost seem as if we were looking through the gates of Heaven.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have
Take a lesson from the trees, watch the way they bend with each breeze, little victories.
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Take hold lightly; let go lightly. This is one of the great secrets of felicity in love.
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.
Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
That's not a haircut. That's a cry for help.
That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.
That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin.
The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.
The average person thinks he isn't.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
The best kind of kiss is the un-expected; unplanned ones that come naturally. Like, in the middle of a sentence.
The best thing in life are unseen, that's why we cloes our eyes when we cry, kiss and dream.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
The best way to know God is to love many things.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The big thieves hang the little ones.
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stop to admitting it
The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.
The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable.
The crowd gives the leader new strength.
The customer doesn't expect everything will go right all the time; the big test is what you do when things go wrong.
The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain.
The difference between a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
The easiest thing in the world to be is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.
The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value.
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.
The first ingredient in conversation is truth: the next good sense; the third, good humor; and the fourth wit.
The first rule of business, is never sell something you love. Otherwise, you may as well be selling your children.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
The garden gnomes are one by one stealing my sanity.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one.
The hangman let us down.
The happiest is the person who suffers the least pain; the most miserable who enjoys the least pleasure.
The highest courage is to dare to appear to be what one is.
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The importance of the document is directly proportional to the timing of the computer crash.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men.
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
The law is not so much carved in stone as it is written in water, flowing in and out with the tide.
The lesson is in the struggle; not the victory.
The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing.
The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune.
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else.
The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.
The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
The nicest part about living in a small town: when you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world; I am like a snowball - the further I am rolled, the more I gain.
The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.
The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for yourself.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The only thing I like about rich people is their money.
The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.
The only way most people recognize their limits is by trespassing on them.
The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
The people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.
The poet judges not as a judge judges but as the sun falling around a helpless thing.
The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.
The possible ranks higher than the actual.
The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.
The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.
The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth.
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.
The secret to walking on water is knowing where the rocks are.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The sooner you need the answer, the slower it will arrive.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
The thing about academics is that they like to learn more and more about less and less, so that they know everything about nothing.
The things that make us safest from others make us least from ourselves.
The things you own end up owning you.
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.
The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.
The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're stil a rat.
The true traveler is he who goes on foot, and even then, he sits down a lot of the time.
The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
The wisest mind has something yet to learn.
The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.
The world is round; it has no point.
Then give to the world the best you have. And the best will come back to you.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
There are days when solitude, for someone my age, is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.
There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.
There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them
There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead...
There are two main strategies we can adopt to improve the quality of life. The first is to try making external conditions match our goals. The second is to change how we experience external conditions to make them fit our goals better
There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'
There are two ways of spreading light: To be a candle or the mirror that reflects it.
There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
There is no chance, no fate, no destiny that can circumvent, or hinder, or control a firm resolve of a determined soul.
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.
There is no mistaking a real book when one meets it. It is like falling in love.
There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.
There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience.
There were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven.
There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
There's a wonderful thing that gold cannot buy, a blessing that's rare and true, and that's the gift of the wonderful friend like the friend I have in you.
There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.
There's no bad day that can't be overcome by listening to a barbershop quartet; it is just truth, plain and simple.
There's no easy way out. If there were, I would have bought it. And believe me, it would be one of my favorite things!
There's no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves.
There's nothing like the end to make you appreciate the beginning.
There's plenty of fish in the sea but.. who wants to date a fish?!
Theres a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
They can do all because they think they can.
They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
This is my answer to the gap between ideas and action - I will write it out.
This never ending gobstopper reminds me of ur stupidity.
This world may of failed you; it doesn't give you a reason why, you could of chosen a different path in life.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
Those who face that which is actually before them, unburdened by the past, undistracted by the future, these are they who live, who make the best use of their lives; these are those who have found the secret of contentment.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Throw out an alarming alarm clock. If the ring is loud and strident, you're waking up to instant stress. You shouldn't be bullied out of bed, just reminded that it's time to start your day.
Thus every action must be due to one or other of seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reasoning, anger, or appetite.
Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act.
To be 70 years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be 40 years old.
To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone.
To become acquainted with kindness one must be prepared to learn new things and feel new feelings. Kindness is more than a philosophy of the mind. It is a philosophy of the spirit.
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.
To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward.
To make pleasures pleasant, shorten them.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of true lie undiscovered before me
To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie an anchor.
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.
To the world you may be one person but to one person you may mean the world.
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.
Today I was gonna kill the most sexiest person in the world, then I learnt there were laws against suicide.
Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.
Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.
Train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose.
Treat a work of art like a prince. Let it speak to you first.
True friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're always there.
True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.
True love stories never have endings.
Truth is the only safe ground to stand on.
Truth is what stands the test of experience.
Truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
Try not to tell people what to do; love them, all let your life shine through.
Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Two wrongs doesn't make it right, it makes it even
Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity.
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter".
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Wait, maybe the answer is looking for you.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.
War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.
We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others.
We all have the extraordinary coded within us, waiting to be released.
We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.
We are all human, and caring about the way something looks and feels does not mean we're superficial--it means we're human. We don't need to exploit sex to recognize that a certain amount of sexiness is both pleasurable and natural.
We are an impossibility in an impossible universe
We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.
We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong.
We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.
We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.
We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are.
We are sinful not merely because we have eaten the tree of knownledge, also because we have eaten the tree of life.
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts.
We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.
We can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown.
We cannot fail to win unless we fail to try.
We could learn a lot from crayons... some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.
We do everything together. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss your dumb arse
We don't get offered crises, they arrive.
We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.
We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them.
We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
We have to fight them daily, like fleas, those many small worries about the morrow, for they sap our energies.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.
We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
We need not join the mad rush to purchase an earthly fallout shelter. God is our eternal fallout shelter.
We only know of one duty, and that is to love.
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with.
We put the M in stupid.
We shall show mercy, but we shall not ask for it.
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
We should manage our fortunes as we do our health - enjoy it when good, be patient when it is bad, and never apply violent remedies except in an extreme necessity.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
We're actors - we're the opposite of people.
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
What I am is good enough if only I would be it openly.
What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?
What does not kill me makes me stronger.
What happens if u get scared half to death twice?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.
What makes the engine go? Desire, desire, desire.
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
What we play is life.
What we say is important for in most cases the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
What we say is important for in most cases the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
What you cannot enforce, do not command.
What you will do matters. All you need is to do it.
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth - compared with love, found, gained, and kept?
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
When I admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expends in worship of the Creator.
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
When I found Mr Right I didn't know his first name was 'Always'!
When I think of you it reminds me of the fungus on my big toe.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."
When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is any thing you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
When all else fails, eat cheese!
When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!
When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can always look beside you and your best friend will be there.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone then fall to the floor and shout "WOOOOO!!"
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.
When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.
When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it.
When my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that everyone who hates me, can kiss my arse!
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in ur face to frown, but it takes only 4 muscles to extend ur arm and slap that mother****er upside the head.
When someone is giving you their theology, their God words, you should listen hard and be very gentle. The time to deliver your God words is when you are asked.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the light has sharply faded And you have lost your way, Let another's love then guide you, Turning black night into day.
When the solution is simple, God is answering.
When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.
When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win.
When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
When your feeling down, try looking up.
When your heart speaks, take good notes.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway
Whenever I hear, 'It can't be done,' I know I'm close to success.
Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves.
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
Who is more foolish: the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?
Who needs courage when you have a gun?
Whoever does not love his work cannot hope that it will please others.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to slam a revolving door.
Who’s cruel idea was it to have an ‘s’ in the word lisp?
Why am i only quoted when i say something stupid?
Why be skinny when you can be thick?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them?
Why does the psychic expo need ads? Can't they just use telepathy?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
Why worry, there should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.
With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women likes surprises, so when she leaves you in her house one day all alone take a dump on the floor, you’ll have something to talk about and she will never know what will come next.
Work is not always required... there is such a thing as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected.
Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewellery.
Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present.
You always pass failure on the way to success.
You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself.
You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.
You can either be influenced or be an influence.
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.
You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
You can't just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they'll want something new.
You can't live life for other people, you've got to do what's right for you even if it hurts some people you love.
You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone.
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
You create your opportunities by asking for them.
You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.
You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.
You have two eyebrows, some people only have one.
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same!
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
You must define yourself, for no one else has the wisdom to do it for you.
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
You used to be my rainbow on a rainy day but now your gone and my life is just grey.
You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.
You're as fake as a three dollar bill.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.
You're not ugly your just a pretty monkey.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
You've got to make a conscious choice every day to shed the old - whatever 'the old' means for you.
Your idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours alone. The more the idea is yours alone, the more freedom you have to do something really amazing. The more amazing, the more people will click with your idea. The more people click with your idea, the more it will change the world.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
[Common sense] is the best sense I know of.